Posted: October 20, 2006
By Rob Weske


Life is good again. The perma-grey skies on Lake Erie have parted for our brief summer. Fireworks season has come and gone with only a few second degree burns reported on some rednecks in Lorain County. And in Berea, highly paid football players wearing pads and wearing orange helmets have already injured themselves for the season. Now it's truly football season in Cleveland.

But unless John Madden is on my TV waxing nostalgia at Lambeau Field on a crisp autumn day, who really gives a flip about the games? I mean, don't get me wrong, I always prefer watching the Browns get smothered every Sunday to the Bataan Death March of a day at the mall with the wife. What makes Sunday significant again is our time of worship in The Cult Of Fantasy Football. It's the easiest way to get our mojo back during our weekdays under the corporate fluorescent lights in cubicleville; we have a budget meeting at nine AM sharp, but glory, halleluiah, my Gangsta's' Of Love edged the Westlake Wooly Mammoths by three this weekend on a field goal by my back up kicker. It's great to be alive...from September to January.

It doesn't have to be that way, gents.

I propose a new game--using fantasy football rules and scoring, applied to women.

The scoring is simple. Apply the following point values to women you pick up in bars, meet online, or share a home with. ( If you share a home with said female, this website and writer is not held responsible for consequences if she finds out said point system. )

The scoring is as follows:

MET IN A BAR, WATCHES FOOTBALL: 6 points

MET IN A BAR, UNDERSTANDS FOOTBALL: 10 points

MET IN A BAR, WEARS ANY KIND OF FOOTBALL JERSEY: 10 points

MET IN A BAR, REMOVES FOOTBALL JERSEY IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM: 12 points

MET IN A BAR, REMOVES FOOTBALL JERSEY IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM, STILL FEMALE: 14 points

BRINGS YOU BEER DURING BIG GAME: 3 points

BRINGS YOU BEER, CHIPS, DIP: 3 points

WON'T BRING YOU BEER: 0 points

WON'T BRING YOU BEER BECAUSE SHE LEFT THE HOUSE DURING THE GAME: 17 points

WATCHES THE SUPER BOWL: 9 points

WATCHES THE SUPER BOWL IN SILENCE: 21 points

WATCHES DR PHIL, ASKS YOU WHY YOU DON'T WRITE MORE POETRY TO HER BEFORE KICKOFF: 0 points

COMPLAINS THAT THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF EVERY GAME TAKES A HALF HOUR TO PLAY: 0 points

COMPLAINS THAT THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF EVERY GAME TAKES A HALF HOUR TO PLAY WHILE WEARING SOMETHING RIDICULOUSLY HOT FROM VICTORIA'S SECRET: 22 points

EX CHEERLEADER: 2, 4, 6, 8 points

HAS EX CHEERLEADER FRIENDS THAT DRINK A LOT, DO CARTWHEELS IN YOUR LIVING ROOM DURING GAMES: 31 points

TAILGATES WITH YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES: 14 points

BECOMES A TAILGATING LEGEND BY DOWNING FUNNELS AND PLAYING TACKLE FOOTBALL ON PAVEMENT: 6 points

KNOWS THAT A "POST PATTERN" ISN'T A REFERENCE TO A WALLPAPER DESIGN: 6 points

CAN SPOT A "HOLDING" PENALTY EVEN WHEN THE REF MISSES IT: marriage.

TRIES A "TWO POINT CONVERSION" IN YOUR BEDROOM WITH YOU AND HER HOT FRIEND: 20 points

KNOWS WHO BRIAN SIPE WAS: 17 points